Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 277
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.
You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.
A lot of people complain in the year 2003 that it's not the world of tomorrow as foreseen in the 1950s. 'Where are the flying cars?' people say. 'Where are the robots who bring us blue drinks and warn us of danger?' Alright. We don't have those things, specifically, folks, but you know what we do have? Laser vaginal rejuvenation surgery.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to inspire people when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.
I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.
Lamont, when I die, it's not gonna be "Sanford and Son" no more; it's gonna be Nobody and Son.
Come to your place at 5 in the monrning, eat your food, drink your drinks, leave at 6:30 without fucking like it’s cool. That’s a passive burglary.
Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.
When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.
My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.