Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 277
People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.
I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.
You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.
My favorite people to have fun with are police officers 'cause they're so serious, you know.
People would like to place a standard on our show that doesn't exist. We're not set up for reporting; we don't have an apparatus for that. We're discussing things that hopefully people might get something out of, but it's wildly inconsistent. Just because we hit on points that resonate, or people think are real complaints - that doesn't make us journalists.
You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.
On the Taliban: That ethos was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs. The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the subjugation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.
We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with.
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.
Ladies, if you’re at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you... he... loves you.
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
The plain fact is religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having key decisions made by religious people - by irrationalists - by those who would steer the ship of state, not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken.
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate."