Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 276
Here's another one about an unlucky purse snatcher. In the middle of last year, I heard a story about a purse snatcher (in England, I believe) who snatched a woman's purse. Much to his surprise and dismay, he found an arm attached to it after he'd grabbed it. It seems that the woman had a prosthetic arm, and he picked the right (or wrong) arm. Apparently, the guy babbled for quite a while, and the woman called the police, and they picked him up, still babbling.
What am I looking at? I want to eat you like a tossed fucking salad!
I have to be legitimate in my lyrics to be genuine. If I constantly made up stuff, soon enough I would run out a fuel because there is but so much jokes you can come up with. You have to use real experiences so people can relate.
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.
Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.
We're all a little bit hypocritical and we could all help people more than we do. You know you're sitting there watching TV, it's late at night. Then you hear: "For $9 a week, you could help this starving child." Everyone has the $9, but how do you not give it to them? You gotta rationalize it somehow. You just go, "Ehh that kid doesn't look that hungry to me. Shit he's got a bigger belly than I do. How you can you feed a kid for $9 a week, that's impossible! Shit a Low-Fat, Low Carb latte is $4.50. Whats that kid gonna do with 2 giant cups of coffee? I'm actually doing him a favor not giving him any money, because there's nothing worse than being wide awake and starving. You're welcome Haboopoo."
'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quiet - 'Very sad. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.
Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?
6th grade. My dog, Katie, is hit by a car and killed. A mean girl during recess says it committed suicide because it didn't love me. I cry and swear revenge on mankind.
This is the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join ya, honey!
When I was a kid at my birthday parties my mom would say, "make a death-wish and blow out the candles."
By now you’ve heard the constant right wing attacks on the elite media and the liberal elite, who may or may not be part of Washington elite, a subset of the East Coast elite, which is overtly influenced by the Hollywood elite. So, basically, unless you’re a shit-kicker from Kansas, you’re with the terrorists.