Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 278

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America.

You saw “Titanic.” The band was playing as the ship went down. What Black band you know gonna keep playing with the damn ship goin’ down? Kool and the Gang would have been unplugging shit. “Man, let’s get the fuck out of here.”

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song.

I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.

I'll be spending the holidays with my family. Nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.

I don't know why I made the raccoons Irish, but it works.

People would like to place a standard on our show that doesn't exist. We're not set up for reporting; we don't have an apparatus for that. We're discussing things that hopefully people might get something out of, but it's wildly inconsistent. Just because we hit on points that resonate, or people think are real complaints - that doesn't make us journalists.

There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.

Do you realize that if the pilgrims have been chasing bobcats instead of turkeys... we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?!

Why would you hire MTV to do music? MTV has nothing to do with music, ok? MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken. MTV is video, and video goes where? In your eye, music goes in your ear. Ear eye, eye ear, big fucking difference! Music is like a drug, when you hear it you have a vision, and that vision can change over time or remain the same.

Instead of uniting America, we want to separate each other because, you know, Mexicans eat tacos and white people eat beef stroganoff and black people eat chicken. 'That makes us different.' No, that makes you hungry.

You try to pretend like you're paying attention to your family, but in the meantime, you're like "Grandma, can you pass the gravy? I'm open!"

Coconut milk is the only thing on this planet that comes identically to mother's milk.