Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 278
'I before E except after C?' Americans don't want to learn that! They just sort of make an 'I' looking 'E' and an 'E' looking 'I' then put the dot, right there in the middle!
The best time to go to Vegas is during Christmastime, because nothing beats watching people gamble while they play Christmas carols. I'm Jewish, and I'm astonished. People going, "Goddammit!" "Jesus Christ!" "Holy fuck!" "Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum, me and my drum."
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
They do have weird ads. That one with the mother and daughter on the beach - 'Mom, why do they have douche?' Why don't you ask the pelicans that are following you?
Fatherhood is helping your children learn English as a foreign language.
The problem with me, as far as getting married and having a family, is that my comedy is so important to me. So I don't know if I'll ever be as good a dad as my dad.
Black people start making money and want to do stuff we would never do, want to climb mountains. It's right there - you ain't got to climb it, you got a house. Why you gotta go outside and climb a rock?
Comedians are never really on vacation because you're always at attention... that antenna is always out there.
Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?
What am I looking at? I want to eat you like a tossed fucking salad!
Every group has its idiosyncrasies, but at a certain point we all are human.
That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.