Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 283
I think when the movie `Roxanne' came out, which I also had written, I felt something new that I never felt, which was respect.
I think that by staying out of shape at the age of 33 I'm doing myself a huge favor for my future. There will never be anyone commenting on how I've 'let myself go.' I've gone. It's gone. It's not going, it's gone.
Music played a large role in the survival of the black people in America - that and a sense of humor that just couldn't be enslaved.
Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.
I’ve been doing stand-up longer than I’ve been doing anything. It’s just learning how to act on camera, trying to get better at that, figuring out how to make my humor translate and bounce off other people. It’s not a big challenge, but the main thing is just trying to be on point and be the best I can be on these shows.
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
I could never be a lesbian because I have a really good sense of humor.
I was at a disco a few nights ago. I was tearing up the dance floor. I had a nail in my shoe.
You wonder why I only talk about my personal life. But that's all I've ever done.
Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few things we have in common. My whole life, all I ever wanted was my dad to pat me on the top of the head and go, "Who's a good boy ? Who's a good boy?" But, instead, all he ever did was wipe peanut butter on the end of my nose and laugh while I tried to lick it off.
Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
Some things are the same wherever you go, like if it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick.