Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 282
You might be a redneck if your daughter’s Barbie’s Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.
I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.
My Elizabeth was as pure as the driven snow; and I am the only driver she ever had!
If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.
But we are at war, and we here at The Daily Show will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking... humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we're competing with… at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We're about even.
When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
I generally love my job. You know what the great thing about being a comic is? I have no boss. That's a definite lifestyle plus isn't it? Aren't bosses something? They're like gnats at a picnic man. Get the fuck out of here buddy, it's just a job, doesn't mean a thing. I smoked a joint this morning, you're lucky I showed. My bed was like a womb man.
Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.
I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.
Marriage is like having cable with just one channel: same thing come on everyday. You see other things come on, but you can't watch it.
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.