Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 282
I spent the first twenty years of my life waiting for two men I was reasonably certain would never come back - my daddy and Jesus Christ. I don't wait for them anymore. My dad, anyway. And at least with Jesus I didn't spend all that time thinking he was gone because of something I did.
Marriage is like having cable with just one channel: same thing come on everyday. You see other things come on, but you can't watch it.
If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.
Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.
I know what it's like to have a family and not have insurance and really need it. As a comic, insurance was one of those sacrifices I made early on until I could afford it.
I generally love my job. You know what the great thing about being a comic is? I have no boss. That's a definite lifestyle plus isn't it? Aren't bosses something? They're like gnats at a picnic man. Get the fuck out of here buddy, it's just a job, doesn't mean a thing. I smoked a joint this morning, you're lucky I showed. My bed was like a womb man.
Most people think white people can't dance. Truth is, white people be too fucked up to dance.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me "Hey, you going to Seattle?". "Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour." Here's your sign!