Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 284

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

The new phone book’s here... The new phone book’s here... This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need... My name in print... That really makes somebody... Things are going to start happening to me now.

The Chinese had accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker. It just doesn't fit.

I’m not fat. It’s just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!

If you masturbated with your left hand, would it be like being touched by a retarded person?

Why are there not positive mysteries? It’s always "who stole the diamond", or "who killed the butler"? How about... "who made cookies", "somebody cleaned my room".

Just honest. To me, being 'politically incorrect' means the opposite of being political - which means to spin everything. That's all it's ever meant to me. It's never meant liberal or conservative. It means honest.

I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.

Those early days of comedy are when you get addicted to it.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.