Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 284
I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday.
Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say ‘Thank you’ cause drugs are very expensive.
I’ve been doing stand-up longer than I’ve been doing anything. It’s just learning how to act on camera, trying to get better at that, figuring out how to make my humor translate and bounce off other people. It’s not a big challenge, but the main thing is just trying to be on point and be the best I can be on these shows.
By now you’ve heard the constant right wing attacks on the elite media and the liberal elite, who may or may not be part of Washington elite, a subset of the East Coast elite, which is overtly influenced by the Hollywood elite. So, basically, unless you’re a shit-kicker from Kansas, you’re with the terrorists.
I was at a disco a few nights ago. I was tearing up the dance floor. I had a nail in my shoe.
I used to be a folk singer, but er I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
So then, what do you believe in? Sex and death. Two things that come once in my lifetime. But at least after death you're not nauseous.
We never went to Toys 'R' Us, we always went to fucking Auschwitz for kids - Home Depot.
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.
Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?