Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 29
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
Cocaine is yucky. I did it once: I was at a party; I was bored. I was like, 'Alright, I'll do a line.' Then I was just bored longer.
The only true freedom that you find is when you realize and come to terms with the fact that you are completely and unapologetically fucked. And then you are free to float around the system.
Texting With Girls Dangerously Delicious Preview. I’ll text a girl, she text me back right away, I text her back right away, she text me back right away, I text her back right away, she text me back right away, I text her back right away, she text me back right away. Then I’ll say something like: “alright cool, you wanna get pizza on Tuesday?” And I don’t hear anything.
I walked in on him masturbating. He's like, 'Are you mad?' I'm like, 'Uh no, but you seem to be. Holy shit. Does it owe you money?'
Politicians have a lot to deal with these days. It's a different world. You know who I feel bad for? Arab Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting. Could be their life long dream, and every time they ask for a pamphlet, all hell breaks loose.
He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot."
I like parties, but I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.
It is never okay to use the toilet with the door open... I never want to know what comes out of there because sometimes I eat at that restaurant.
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
I'm like anyone else on the planet; I'm very moved by world hunger. I see the same commercials, those little kids starving and very depressed. I watch these things on TV and I see those commercials. And I look at it and I think, 'God how cruel, to see a little kid out there.' And I go, 'Fuck, I know the film crew could give this kid a sandwich.' You know that kid's not out there filming a letter from home with a Betamax. You know there's a director five feet away going, 'Don't feed him yet. Get that sandwich out of here. Doesn't work unless he looks hungry.'
In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
There's no such thing as a feminist - just women who pay for their own breast implants.