Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 30
My parents are immigrants. Came here with no money. Not this welfare thing. Welfare’s luxury… They came to the airport naked. “Can we get on the plane? I don’t want to show you where my passport is.”
Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.
That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.
Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you’re tired and most of your balls are missing.
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
Revivals used to come to town. They would ask who wanted to be saved and I’d march right to the front. It was then I knew I was destined for a career in show business or at least alcoholism.
Having a dick is one of the most dangerous things on the planet. How many people are eaten by sharks each year? How many guys lose everything they've got because of their dick? Yet the Discovery Channel has Shark week every other fucking month. Why doesn't it have Dick Week? That would be the scariest seven days in the history of television.
Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it.
Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.
I never had a speech from my father "this is what you must do or shouldn't do" but I just learned to be led by example. My father wasn't perfect.
The world is full of a lot of fear and a lot of negativity, and a lot of judgment. I just think people need to start shifting into joy and happiness. As corny as it sounds, we need to make a shift.
Love is very dangerous if you just have love and don't have the ability to be lovable.