Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 30
I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to ’cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.
By the way, everything I say is wrong; I'm a complete hypocrite. I've dated girls with boob jobs, breast enlargements, but she was an A cup and that's gross. Get it fixed girls, you're not even a real woman.
I wanted to be a general manager. I wanted to kind of run the show, wanted to get out there and get into the nuts and bolts of finding the talent and trying to coordinate putting the club together and doing the scouting part of it and go through the whole thing.
An ex-girlfriend is the same as an okay movie. I liked it at the time, but I don’t really want to see it again. Especially if the movie was kind of… a bitch.
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
I'm like anyone else on the planet; I'm very moved by world hunger. I see the same commercials, those little kids starving and very depressed. I watch these things on TV and I see those commercials. And I look at it and I think, 'God how cruel, to see a little kid out there.' And I go, 'Fuck, I know the film crew could give this kid a sandwich.' You know that kid's not out there filming a letter from home with a Betamax. You know there's a director five feet away going, 'Don't feed him yet. Get that sandwich out of here. Doesn't work unless he looks hungry.'
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink, put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.<br /> Oh, it could be so nice to grow old with you, I wanna grow old with you.
I took my dog for a walk, all the way from New York to Florida. I said to him "There, now you're done."
When that fire hit your ass, it will sober your ass up quick! I saw something, I went, "Well, that's a pretty blue. You know what? That looks like... FIRE! Fire is inspirational. They should use it in the Olympics, because I ran the 100 in 4.3.
My sexuality is straight transvestite or male lesbian. It seems we are beyond the idea that I am gay and hiding it. If I had to describe how I feel in my head, I'd say I'm a complete boy plus half a girl. I don't seem to have the sixth sense that women have or their stronger senses of taste and smell. Gay men can also have it but straight men don't.
There's something very weird and abnormal about my particular quest to do stand-up; it's very isolating and self-important.