Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 28

With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don’t have one for common sense?

When I get a chance to play golf or go on a boat with good people, take the boat out and put some lobsters on the grill, get the ice-cold beer and the cigars - that's heaven here on earth.

If I need directions I'm not asking a man with one tooth, I'm asking a man with one leg. Cause he definitely knows the easiest way to get there. Yup, if there's a shortcut that one legged fucker knows where it is. You won't be hoppin fences neither.

I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

I never had a speech from my father "this is what you must do or shouldn't do" but I just learned to be led by example. My father wasn't perfect.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Now that's what I call high quality H2O.

I'm so Southern I'm related to myself.

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

It was my friend's birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word "'Happy"... sarcastic birthday, douche bag.

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves.

Dreams that do come true can be as unsettling as those that don't.

I can't complain about my career, that's for sure.