Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 303
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I had already made a decision early on that I would be a plain girl with tons of personality, and accepting it made everything a lot easier. If you are lucky, there is a moment in your life when you have some say as to what your currency is going to be. I decided early on it was not going to be my looks. I have spent a lifetime coming to terms with this idea and I would say I am about 15 to 20 percent there….Decide what your currency is early. Let go of what you will never have. People who do this are happier and sexier.
Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
My mind was a mess back then as I drove across the country. I was driving to clear my head, and all I could do was obsess on my uncertain future. It's like you're at a crap game, and on your biggest roll, the dice go in slow motion. For months, you watch them spin and roll and bounce around, waiting for them to land so you know if you're a winner or a loser. Total limbo.
Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
I hate getting off the elevator on the wrong floor? Anyone ever do that... and then you have to turn around and face those people. I feel like I owe everyone in there an explanation.
I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow. Low fuel, balls are empty.