Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 303

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I've come here tonight to San Jose, the only city in this nation smart enough to put its airport downtown where nobody cares.

If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain, you might be a redneck.

You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

They had a sign, and it said, 'Do not allow your dog to chase, injury or worry wildlife.' I understand the chasing and injuring part, but how is a dog going to 'worry' wildlife? Dog's going to run up to a bird: 'Hey, I think you've got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.'

I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

Used to go to church, but church is getting too expensive. Cover charge is a bitch. I went one Sunday; they was passing around eight, nine plates. I just pulled my own plate, started passing that around.

This week Jamie Lynn Spears announced that she's pregnant. I think she should opt for adoption. I would never recommend abortion, unless you've got the punch card filled up, and the eighth one is free.

Instead of uniting America, we want to separate each other because, you know, Mexicans eat tacos and white people eat beef stroganoff and black people eat chicken. 'That makes us different.' No, that makes you hungry.

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.

My parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in right field, cause I stunk.