Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 302
People who are homeless, they're not all addicts. A lot of times, they're just people who, through something like losing their job or losing someone in their life, ended up on the streets. So much of our time is spent in cars that sometimes you need to look out of those windows. And you see that a dollar, 50 cents, whatever you have, may not mean much to you, but it means everything to people who are hungry and who are in need.
Just me onstage with a mike having an intimate relationship with the audience. I don't get nervous for that. I just get excited.
I had a job that people in this business would absolutely kill for on the sitcom I was on, I was working with one of my best friends. Laurie Metcalf was in the cast, really talented people on the Warner Brothers lot in LA. I was a supporting character making 35 grand a week, some weeks I'd have two lines. I had a job making 35 grand a week where I didn't have to take anything to work; I didn't have a briefcase or a piece of paper. I had ridiculously lame, easy jokes to memorize; like the jokes on that show would be I'd go to Norm MacDonald and say 'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?' and he'd say 'No, I'm not thinking of cheeseburgers,' then I'd make a face like 'oh, you got me' and then I'd walk out and then I'd get 35 grand on a Friday. So I had a convertible Mercedes, I was living in a four-thousand dollar a month condo on Willshire and Beverly Hills, I was healthy, I was thin, I had a tan. Even with that life, creatively I was empty inside, I couldn't stand it, after two years I had to get out of there, I was going crazy pulling the hairs out of my head.
My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts.
In case you're wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you're all wearing at home.
Girls, do yourself a favor, don't ever bring us anywhere to pick anything out - ever, ever. You don't need us there.
I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.
California is a small woman saying, "Fuck me." New York is a large man saying, "Fuck you!"
It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.
I got a book for my birthday "How to make it big" I had to take it back.
Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
I was a beer boy in a bodega, where I was responsible for keeping the beer cold in the freezer. It was the heyday of Olde English 40 ounces. I also sold fire extinguishers. I used to put my foot in the door when people opened it. I would do a demonstration with newspaper on their dining room table. One time, I had done so many damn demos that my extinguisher didn’t have enough fluid in it after I started the fire. I grabbed the tray, threw it outside in the grass and stomped the fire out. The person was yelling; and I got in my car, leaving all of my equipment, and got the hell up out of there.