Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 363

I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.

Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?

It's your aptitude, not just your attitude that determines your ultimate altitude.

There was Pope John if you remember, now there is Pope John Paul. The next Pope's gonna be John Paul George and we can see where they're going.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead.

Look, it's 5 in the morning, it's just a paragraph, it will not print out, there's something, some bastard! Oh oh, there's an on-switch on the printer?

Incidentally, I'm still looking for acting work, my first love.

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals.

My report card always said, "Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students."

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes.

I drink too much. Have you ever done that where you wake up and there’s someone in your bed and they’re a munter. Pulling back that sheet, it’s like Silent Witness ain’t it.

I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk it says. ‘You don’t have to be mad to work her, but it helps. ‘Mind you, she’s written it in her own shit.”