Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 363
I talk to a lot of librarians, and there's always a steady drumbeat of how libraries are places of community. But a lot of them have also recently - and just in the nick of time - refurbished, because during this economic downturn, people have a tendency to borrow instead of buy.
Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass "I'm your son from the future! Ahaha!"
On house-hunting: They said it was split-level and open-plan, but then again so is an NCP car park.
I started a grease fire at McDonald's - threw a match in the cook's hair.
Why do they call that funny little statue a bust when it stops right before the part of the body that it's named after?
Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: "Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back."
She's so hot. I wanna tell her she's hot, but she'll think I'm sexist. She's so hot, she's making me sexist... bitch.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?
I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.
It eventually appeared to be me, cinematically. When I was writing it I was actually an author, you know, writing a book. ... But there certainly is a difference in energy between a younger man and an older man.
I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.