Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 363

That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.

Technology is fine, but that popular vision of the future, where you plug somebody in and leave them there and they don't get out and interact with actual flesh-and-blood humans - you know the answer before I say it - that's not good.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.

Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit... I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P. A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh... Oh, God this is so embarrassing... I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."

If you're a white guy and you're sleeping with a black girl, there's only one way you know if you're putting it down like you should. Don't listen to 'Oh, you're the biggest. You're the best.' Don't listen to that -- she says that to everybody. Don't listen to that. The only way you know is, in the middle of sex, she grabs the back of your head, looks you dead in the face, and calls you the n-word. When you can make her ass forget you're white, that's when you know you're putting it down.

I’m anal and forgetful. That’s a bad combo. That mean I like my shit where I like it and I don’t know where the fuck it is. But I’m pretty sure it’s your fault.

Dancing on pointe... Why don't they just get taller girls?

Bob Geldof…no wonder he’s such an expert on famine, he has been dining out on I Don’t Like Mondays for thirty years.

You might be a redneck if you’ve ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister’s honor.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

I heard the other day of a man who paid a psychologist $50 to cure him of an inferiority complex – and later was fined $25 and costs for talking back to a traffic cop.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

I do want children. I study dads more. I watch what they go through. I admire my father more than I ever did and my brother and my sister.