Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 364
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!".
I love anybody funny - even people who are bastards, who are evil people, the meanest people you can imagine, even if they treat me horrifically or they treat people like shit - just because they're funny. Being funny is a jewel in the crown of life.
I think the best music videos are the ones that have nothing to do with the song. Those are all my favorites.
There was this guy recently who sued his landlord because he said scalding water from the shower burned his genitals. That's a hell of a way to test the water, huh?
Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.
I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year’s it flew away.
Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead.
Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people!
I bought my parents a home before they died, and they got to see that I was going to be all right. They always thought I would go someplace.
I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals.
My report card always said, "Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students."
I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'