Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 364

I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

The question is, ‘how bad at sports were you as a kid?’ I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren’t tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers…

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.

Comedy is hard. Complaining is easy.

I finally accepted Jesus - not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

Fuck that. If it's stupid, change it... If it's a dumb law, don't have it.