Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 362
On the Wizard of Oz Lion's lookin' for some courage... Tin Man's lookin' for a heart... ain't none of them lookin' for some pussy, and they skippin' down the street with a bitch!
Once I was having lunch in a fancy restaurant with Lily Tomlin and Richard Pryor. We were all struggling comics together and the day we had lunch, any one of us could have picked up the check. That's when I knew I'd made it.
Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I’m not doing that again until I’m a black belt. Because I can tell you there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
Speeding is like drugs. It makes everything come at you fast, and when you go back to normal driving, safe driving, prudent driving, it seems boring. That's the danger of drugs. At first it's intoxicating, but then the rest of your life you're trying to find that very first time. It never is the same.
I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going...."
I love anybody funny - even people who are bastards, who are evil people, the meanest people you can imagine, even if they treat me horrifically or they treat people like shit - just because they're funny. Being funny is a jewel in the crown of life.
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I've always gotten myself overly involved in supporting other women who've not always been as supportive in return.
Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?
There was Pope John if you remember, now there is Pope John Paul. The next Pope's gonna be John Paul George and we can see where they're going.
Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead.
Look, it's 5 in the morning, it's just a paragraph, it will not print out, there's something, some bastard! Oh oh, there's an on-switch on the printer?