Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 362
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.
New York acts like it's a big melting pot, 'cause it's like all the different cultures, 'Oh, we all melt together.' And then you move here and you realize it's not a melting pot at all. It's actually a bunch of pots that want to live next to their own kinds of pots and not talk to other pots.
I was always the guy - out of insecurities, I was always making fun, even as a kid.
In spite of the seven thousands books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and... mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it.
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV.
I think if you steal well, you’re a genius. If you copy badly, you’re a hack.
I got spotted in Greggs the bakers. The girl went: ‘We never get anyone off the telly in here.’ Which was a lie. Half of fucking Fat Club were by the pasties.
I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.
If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat.
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.
The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that’s the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.
You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.