Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 362
Blood... does not make you family. In fact, blood just links your DNA to the scene of their crime. A real brother is a guy you can pin down and dangle a two ounce loogie that far over his face. So, that at the very last second, you suck it back in. Or you don't. That's what makes family. Phlegm.
I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.
It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford.
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.
It says, 'It's safest to let them sleep alone, especially if you drink, use drugs or are overweight.' Yeah, I thought that was weird, too. But if you think about it, if you're drunk, stoned or really fat, in the middle of the night, that baby might look delicious. I've eaten weirder things.
A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic - bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta - the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.
I say “God bless you” when somebody sneezes. I don’t say “bless you.” I don’t say that because I’m not the Lord. I can’t do that.
They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.
I was always the guy - out of insecurities, I was always making fun, even as a kid.
Why don't you click your heels three times and go back to Africa.
Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.