Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 369
While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
Just heard a guy say "pussy is my thing". Wow, guy really went out on a limb. Do you also like ice cream, and getting things for free?
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.
I'd like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I'm gonna be on for an hour.
I finally accepted Jesus - not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father.
The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes.
It's funny that we think of libraries as quiet demure places where we are shushed by dusty, bun-balancing, bespectacled women. The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community. Librarians have stood up to the Patriot Act, sat down with noisy toddlers and reached out to illiterate adults. Libraries can never be shushed.
My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, "Adam - uh, don't kiss guys."
If I were a woman, I would walk into church and say, "father, I'm not a sinner, but I think my vagina may have been possessed by the devil".
Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... DJ Abraham Lincoln.
Moshe Dayan, who said to Sammy Davis, Jr., "That’s funny, to me you only look half Jewish." Never got a dinner!
It's weird, I never wish anything bad upon anybody, except two or three old girlfriends.