Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 369
Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.
I know pushing out babies is hard. But on September 11, I panicked and tried to push one back.
I just like observing people - it's something I've done ever since I was a kid, and I got really good at it. That's a big part of why I became a comedian. My audience is filled with every kind of person you can imagine, and I love that.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
(eating out in restaurants before he was famous) <br /> "I'll just have a napkin and a breadstick"
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.
And it was a huge emotional thing to leave the law and become unemployed - to be a student again.
I just got a new iPod. It’s got 80 gigabytes. Because I like to jog for three weeks at a time and I do not want to hear the same song twice.
Art and resistance are great together. That's what art's made for. Look at Vincent van Gogh: He didn't cut off his ear because he was selling well.
I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
Webster's dictionary defines awesome as "anything that leaves you in awe and wonder." Like winning the lottery twice. That would be awesome. Getting a phone call from the IRS saying you've been audited and they owe you $50,000. That would be awesome. Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads "Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth." That would be awesome. Getting invited to the Playboy Mansion on trampoline night. That would be awesome. And I started thinking what would be awesome for Bill Engvall? What would leave me in awe and wonder? And it would have to be if I left this stage tonight and went back to my hotel room. And Shania Twain met me at my door, wearing nothing but a fur coat, holding a note from my wife that said "have a good time." That would be awesome! It ain't gonna happen; but that would be awesome.