Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 370
Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm, that's it okay? You come, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep you get up in the morning and go to fucking work okay? That is it, end of fucking list!
Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.
If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.
In my old neighborhood, a boy stopped playing when he began to lose his pulse. And then he became the referee.
Everyday I look across the office floor, there you were, your hair down to your legs and your legs down the the floor.
From there, I tried out for a community theatre play, joined an improv group... it all started opening up.
For me, this was all or nothing. I left no room for anything else. That goal was just for my own push, my own self-esteem. The fear of not being a success in my life made me push even harder.
I don’t know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
I grew up in the suburbs. I’m an angry suburban nergo. I’m bad in, like, Starbucks. I’ll hurt you over a frappuccino.
I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.
Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?
My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, "Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?"