Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 368
It's weird, I never wish anything bad upon anybody, except two or three old girlfriends.
If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.
For me, this was all or nothing. I left no room for anything else. That goal was just for my own push, my own self-esteem. The fear of not being a success in my life made me push even harder.
We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!
I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.
My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
You gotta improvise in life. You gotta improv if the police pull you over.
When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
There was one woman who had a giant sign and on it, it just said, 'America Is Better Than Abortion.' I think she meant that America was too good a place for the horror of abortion. But instead, it sounded like she had weighed both - the American spirit and getting an abortion and decided that American spirit better. I think it is a bad idea to have grammatically ambiguous protest signs.
If you want some pussy, you'll talk all that shit with them. 'Hey, yeah, sure,, the cosmos.. sure..'
When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.