Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 368
I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.
Cause he's driving 200 miles an hour & he don't have the luxury having his wife sitting right there telling him how to drive.
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward...
I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?'
This is so antiseptic. It`s empty. Why do you think this is funny? You`re going by audience reaction? This is an audience that`s raised on television, their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
Late night, thought we were so crafty in college. Maybe I'll come by late night, hun. If girls ever broke that down, it'd be bad. Let me guess, you're gonna go out with your friends, get hammered. And if you fail to nail some skank at a bar you'll come pound on my door at 4am. The more I say it, the more I like it.Mark me down for a yes. Late night.
I lost 20 pounds - actually, I lost 25 pounds, but then I gained 5 back because I was too skinny. I didn`t change what I ate, I just started eating smaller portions. And I cut out bread - that`s the real killer, because I was reaching in and eating half a loaf before dinner arrived. All you have to do is that, and then you can drink all you want.
If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.
If you're passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too.