Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 368
That's the perfect microcosm for men and women: it takes a million sperm to find one egg 'cause they're all males and not one of them is gonna pull over and ask directions.
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Late night, thought we were so crafty in college. Maybe I'll come by late night, hun. If girls ever broke that down, it'd be bad. Let me guess, you're gonna go out with your friends, get hammered. And if you fail to nail some skank at a bar you'll come pound on my door at 4am. The more I say it, the more I like it.Mark me down for a yes. Late night.
If my soul exists without my body I am convinced all my clothes will be loose-fitting.
People are condescending, they don't listen, and it's contributed to a really unfortunate anti-intellectualism in this country.
Art and resistance are great together. That's what art's made for. Look at Vincent van Gogh: He didn't cut off his ear because he was selling well.
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
You might be a redneck if you think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
Cause he's driving 200 miles an hour & he don't have the luxury having his wife sitting right there telling him how to drive.
I know we've only known each other 4 weeks and 3 days, but to me it seems like 9 weeks and 5 days.
If you're a white guy and you're sleeping with a black girl, there's only one way you know if you're putting it down like you should. Don't listen to 'Oh, you're the biggest. You're the best.' Don't listen to that -- she says that to everybody. Don't listen to that. The only way you know is, in the middle of sex, she grabs the back of your head, looks you dead in the face, and calls you the n-word. When you can make her ass forget you're white, that's when you know you're putting it down.
People love their animals so much so that they put little clothes on them and necklaces and booties and things like that. And if you love your animal, then you should feed them something that's not dangerous for them. There's a lot of poisonous stuff that they're putting in a lot of that food, those by-products.
Life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy by yourself and for yourself. Happiness comes from within. You have the power to change your own mindset so that all the negative, horrible thoughts that try to invade your psyche are replaced with happy, positive, wonderful thoughts.