Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 385
Georgia was a great place to live, but I wanted to get out because I knew the opportunities for what I was doing - stand-up comedy and eventually acting - were in Los Angeles.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life...
Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.
Oh yeah jerking off is like an aerobic thing for me now man, I'm 40, I do it everyday, I do it everyday. Hell, I've even gone beyond porno, I'm back to regular network TV.
It’s gotten to the point where I think my friends would rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. And I’m like, "Alright, but where’s the loyalty, man. I’ve known you for twenty-five years. How long have you known your baby, like, a month?"
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I couldn't get away with Halloween pranks 'cause my parents owned the health food store. So, it was so easy to bust me. I was the only kid on the block egging houses with those big 'ole brown eggs. Like, you didn't have to be a detective to figure it out. 'Oh, I wonder who Tofuttied my mailbox. Is it the same evil genius who filled my bird bath with Rice Dream?'
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going...."
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.