Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 385
I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.
People love their animals so much so that they put little clothes on them and necklaces and booties and things like that. And if you love your animal, then you should feed them something that's not dangerous for them. There's a lot of poisonous stuff that they're putting in a lot of that food, those by-products.
It's funny that we think of libraries as quiet demure places where we are shushed by dusty, bun-balancing, bespectacled women. The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community. Librarians have stood up to the Patriot Act, sat down with noisy toddlers and reached out to illiterate adults. Libraries can never be shushed.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you - I hope she meets somebody nice.
I think my one of my strengths in standup is my ability to adlib. I do all my best writing on stage. I can sit down and write jokes, but I'd rather go on stage with a premise or an idea and let the jokes come that way. My creative juices are never flowing any better than when I'm onstage.
Spent most of the summer looking for shade. Driving around. Shade. Please? Driving in malls. I'll park a mile away I don't care. I'm just looking for a tree branch, anything. Long weed. Big leaf, get the front corner panel under it. Oh precious shade, I have it - you don't!
I'm a recovering alcoholic but at least I do have cough medicine on tap.
They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.
Cain, whose wife divorced him because he wasn't Able. Never got a dinner!
Jordan's gonna have a case of "assus beatus redus". That's Latin for I'm gonna beat his ass until it glows.