Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 384

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

I'm a recovering alcoholic but at least I do have cough medicine on tap.

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.

I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies, so I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time! I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies, all around my neck, I'll be Tracheotomy Man! He can smoke a pack at a time, he's Tracheotomy Man!

It makes a big difference in your life when you stay positive.

Y'know, if those pews reclined and the priests gave the Raiders scores, I'd go to church every Sunday.

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it’s a pit bull, you say, “You better let him finish.”

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I couldn't get away with Halloween pranks 'cause my parents owned the health food store. So, it was so easy to bust me. I was the only kid on the block egging houses with those big 'ole brown eggs. Like, you didn't have to be a detective to figure it out. 'Oh, I wonder who Tofuttied my mailbox. Is it the same evil genius who filled my bird bath with Rice Dream?'

I've done everything. Selling door-to-door fire extinguishers... In bars, I used to repair those machines that have 10 different buttons on them to spray club soda and seltzer.

You look mahvelous!

I will always do stand-up, even if my acting career takes off. Stand-up is my life.

I've actually tried to give Brett Ratner dance lessons, but he thinks he already knows how to.

Listen, Dim Sum, you little fuck fuck, I didn't pay a hundred dollars for a fucking towel rub.

I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?