Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 420

It’s so much easier to give advice than to take it.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

'You look slinky,' I said to her at the top of the stairs.

I was working at a golf course mowing stuff… That was the worst job ever. I got bit by a swan… You don’t ever recover from that either. That’s not supposed to happen. Who do you trust after that? I rather get attacked by a bear. Because if you get attacked by a bear you might lose an arm or something, but you got a freakin’ story at least.

The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone's advice.

There was this guy recently who sued his landlord because he said scalding water from the shower burned his genitals. That's a hell of a way to test the water, huh?

We're hoping that this will also be the key to starting community events in a place where the whole community can come together. We've been working with the town on the total renovation.

As a culture I see us as presently deprived of subtleties. The music is loud, the anger is elevated, sex seems lacking in sweetness and privacy.

I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

While you're improvising, you may come up with something which will break him up. As soon as that smile comes out, you know that, hey, we're having fun.

My report card always said, "Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students."

I'm not an activist; I don't look for controversy. I'm not a political person, but I'm a person with compassion. I care passionately about equal rights. I care about human rights. I care about animal rights.

When my ugly friends say shit just got ugly I want to say damn uglier?

Is being an idiot like being high all the time?