Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 420
The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
I love mullets. The other day, in Pittsburgh, I saw the greatest mullet I've ever seen. I can't describe it. It was just the mullet of all time; complete 'business in the front, party in the back.' I've never seen anything like it.
There's nothing wrong with dating younger men. My husband and I, we get along except for music because music dates you. He loves hip-hop - that's his thing, he loves rap music - but I like jazz. But he's started to enjoy jazz because I like to listen to jazz while we're having sex. Yeah, right, so now he loves jazz because he associates it with sex. He hears that jazz, he's like, 'That's my cue! It's on now!' But now, I can't even enjoy my music. I'm listening to Miles Davis, washing dishes. I turn around, he's standing there butt naked: 'Did ya call me?'
It is the best part of the night. The classic interactive lines are 'Where are you from? What do you do for a living?' I almost always get something interesting.
I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.
I'm not looking for much [in a guy], I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.
The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.
Where I grew up… in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide… you know, everyone was too unhappy.
A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big.
Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.
What is a stealth bomber? It's a bomber that doesn't show up on radar, and you can't see it. Then we don't need one.