Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 419
I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.
The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone's advice.
It turns out I was duped. I have no-one to blame but myself and boy is my face red... Now I need to apologise to the Lindsay Lohan family. I hope I didn't embarrass you and your family.
Comedians are therapists. People honestly think we’re doing it for ourselves. No. If we wanted to do stand-up for ourselves, we would perform in front of a mirror and never go to a club. We are giving this away. Some people are going through so much in their lives, they want to hear something else that’s going on in the world and laugh.
Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.
My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.
As a culture I see us as presently deprived of subtleties. The music is loud, the anger is elevated, sex seems lacking in sweetness and privacy.
There are three goals for any comedian: to make a living as a comedian; I've been fortunate to do that. To make a name for yourself and to be famous would be great - because it would give me that freedom.
While you're improvising, you may come up with something which will break him up. As soon as that smile comes out, you know that, hey, we're having fun.
We're taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, not the exception. It's liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept.
Telling a comedian "Make me laugh" on their time off, is like telling a professional dancer: "Strip for me, you cheap little whore".
When I was a kid, I wanted to walk with my dad's limp - my dad was my hero - but that infuriated him, and he would make me walk back and forth in the living room until I walked without it.
I'm not an activist; I don't look for controversy. I'm not a political person, but I'm a person with compassion. I care passionately about equal rights. I care about human rights. I care about animal rights.