Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 419

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn’t hold.

See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

I’m a dumb guy. My point of view is limited.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside.

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

I've got a lot of friends there and there is stuff to do but as much as I dislike LA I really like living and working in New York City.

Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.'

I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic - I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that shit for free.'

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.

If I had my entire life to live over, I doubt if I’d have the strength.