Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 421

I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!

More people write poetry than read it.

I'm not interesting enough on my own that you'd want to see a film about me.

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

People judge you because they have no faith in themselves.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

When white people eat potato chips, they're called white people. When black people eat potato chips, they're called niggas.

I like the escalator. Because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a escalator temporary out of order sign, only an “Escalator temporarily stair. Sorry for the convenience.”

My whole act is confession.

This country you’re sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you didn’t earn. This country was built on shame, humiliation and striving to be better. By the way, if you’re in this room right now and you’re successful… you didn’t get there because someone loved you too much or gave you too many hugs or you got a trophy when you lost. You did it because at one point in your life, somebody turned to you and said you’re a loser, and in that second, you decided to bust your ass to make them choke on that sentence... Or, your parents gave you the money.

"Dodge" is the perfect word to put on the front of a van comin' at ya. If it says "Ram" on the side, they're after your ass.

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!

I'll tell you something that a girl does not like for you to whisper in her ear, and that is "I'm going to perform Jihad on your vagina".

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, "Oh, he's good."