Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 421
My dad, growing up, called me Princess. He drilled it in my head as a kid that I'm a frigging princess. And then I grew up, and I got into the real world, and I realized that no one else was on board with the whole princess thing. Princesses don't lose their virginity at Lollapalooza.
You know, if a woman falls over wearing heels, that's embarrassing, but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself. It's the end of your life. Its quite difficult.
We're hoping that this will also be the key to starting community events in a place where the whole community can come together. We've been working with the town on the total renovation.
In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
This country you’re sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you didn’t earn. This country was built on shame, humiliation and striving to be better. By the way, if you’re in this room right now and you’re successful… you didn’t get there because someone loved you too much or gave you too many hugs or you got a trophy when you lost. You did it because at one point in your life, somebody turned to you and said you’re a loser, and in that second, you decided to bust your ass to make them choke on that sentence... Or, your parents gave you the money.
I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
You know the only thing you can do to stop your man from cheating? The only thing you can do … is be there. Where? There! Wherever he's thinking about fucking, that's it. Just be right there. And even then he still might lose your ass. He's like, "Honey, look! A Sale! Let me go fuck this bitch right now!"
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
There's only three major elements. Air, land, which is your flesh and water, which is your blood. You're walking on a third of yourself. She's called Mother Earth. She gave birth to your ass. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, your maggot food ass going right back to her!
Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.
Visible matter is 4% of the universe.The rest is 'dark matter'. I would argue a third type which describes most of my world. Doesn't matter.
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'