Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 421
If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.
Remember: Super Bowl is the biggest day of the year for pizza delivery - so no matter what happens in the game, Peyton Manning wins.
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
Today being a stand-up means that you have to throw them a joke, then another and then another and then follow up with some kind of storytelling.
The Police report said they stabbed this guy 51 times, bludgeoned him in the head with a heavy object 13 times and they shot him twice, so I figure this guy's by the door on the way out going, “YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YET, DO YOU?! YOU HAVEN'T SHOVED A CHAINSAW UP MY ASS YET! MY HEAD'S STILL ON MY TORSO!! I'M GLAD YOU FUCKERS CAN HANDLE YOUR HIGH!!”
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Mirabelle is not affected by a man’s failures to approach her, as her own self-depreciating attitude never allows the idea that he would in the first place.
Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.
He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk. If he likes you, he’ll want to see you when his judgment isn’t impaired.