Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 440

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.

Seriously, you don't have to know English. It'd be nice, a nice little plus. We don't want miracles. You don't have to know the country's language. But just some shapes, that's all. A square. A little geometry.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

Here's the rule that I set for myself, and I believe it - even on a show like 'Curb Your Enthusiasm': the more personal you are, the wider your audience.

Enjoy your popcorn and enjoy the jokes. It's just a movie, so have fun!

Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower massager, she don't really need you anymore. That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill.

I want to keep working, I want to keep doing my humanitarian stuff around the world, shining light on different places that have problems. Keep making movies, make people laugh.

And then I realized I was being checked out by guys! And I know they were checking me out, because they were looking at me like I look at tacos. And I thought to myself, "Oh my god, I can turn on a man! Shoot!" And I called my girlfriend, and I said, "Baby, you better not mess this up; I have options!"

I am careful with my material and presentation.

I've always wondered, what am I going to do that's important with these stupid jokes that I tell.

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

Yesterday I returned a movie. The people at the theater were pissed.

Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I'm yelling?

My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.

I’d like to produce, direct, write, score, and star in a film in exactly the way Chaplin did. I’ll do that before I’m thirty.