Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 461
You can get to the next level if you're willing to give up everything and give everything you have in your heart to make it.
One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack.
Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.
President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.
Let's face it, Americans are fat all year round, but the holidays are when we really hit our stride. And you can bet the food we eat will be just as unhealthy as the families we're forced to visit.
Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed.
Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.
I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.
Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
If you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay, or married.
I love to believe that there's one god but there's many different religions so there's just the question of which long distance company you pick.
Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.
Guy on the plane I'm on has a text alert that sounds like a gunshot... And he isn't putting it on vibrate.