Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 462

I hate all generalisations.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I feel like every time I go out, I want to do a good job. I want people to say that he's just as good at stand-up as he is in some of the movies I've seen him in, so I try to do the best every time I go out there.

I had to stop drinkin', cuz I got tired of waking in my car driving ninety.

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

America is such a great country, we have fat poor people.

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.

Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?

I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.

People don't realize, or maybe they've forgotten, that there was a time in history when standup comedy wasn't something that you had to hide your kids' ears from.

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.

Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!