Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 460

Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

I'm the Descartes of anxiety; I panic, therefore I am.

My roommate in LA used to punch his girlfriend in the stomach. I could never believe what a bitch she was.

White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.

I got kids - got three kids: two of them mine, one of them don't look like me. I was gonna get a blood test, but that costs $2500. I said I'll wait 'til he falls down and cuts himself.

Get a good dog. We have not picked up food in the kitchen in 15 years.

Farts, then says, "What, did somebody sit on a duck?"

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.

Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of a fascist dictator. But dictators have dreams too. Your dad doesn't. He gave them up when he had you. So remember that next time you say, "I don't want to cut the lawn." Just shut up and mow the grass and save the lip for your teachers.

I think we all feel the same things most of the time, we just don't know how to put it into words. When I'm on stage, I say it. The truth makes people laugh.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Well, isn't that special?

They say that exercise and proper diet are the keys to a longer life, Oh well.