Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 514

The man would box so good it'd make your dick hard!

I went up to the camp and Paul had me eat my first oyster I had never had an oyster in my life. And he convinced me to eat one. And it was horrible and it was exciting. And I thought, this will be gross and I'll have a story: I had my first oyster with Paul Newman.

Good evening, black people. First of all, may I say you're right. You do dance better than us. But on the other hand, I, also, love chicken.

If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.

Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.

I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other.

My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.

I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be.

You might be a redneck if you know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.

You knew at some point that he was supposed to win. He had all the right ingredients that came together at the right time. He's tall, good looking, articulate, highly intelligent, smooth under pressure, charismatic and, most importantly, he was the right shade. He made white people feel comfortable. 'Cause you all know if that nigger was Bernie Mac black or 'Precious' purple, he wouldn't have won. He's like coffee with cream; it goes down easy. You ever have coffee black? It's too strong.

Being single at 41 after ten years of marriage and two kids is difficult. That’s like having a bunch of money in the currency of a country that doesn’t exist anymore.

I didn't apply to different schools. I wasn't really sure what I was going to do.

These are the big breakthroughs in science and technology in the last 10 years: we have Rogaine, Prozac, now we have Viagra. You get a sense for who's bankrolling medical research in this country. It's just depressed, balding, white guys who can't get erections anymore. God forbid they cure something important, like muscular dystrophy. It's like, 'Sorry, little Johnny, you can't get up, but look - I can.'

I wanted to trust in my partners and the directors and producers and do the best I can to deliver what I could deliver.