Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 515
So, what are you in for? Manslaughter! I slaughtered a man! Just like a pig! Put him on a spit and put an apple in his mouth!
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
I can't tell you 100 percent what makes a relationship work. But I can see something good coming and I can see something bad coming.
And my girlfriend, she's fat! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches - one for each time zone!
I think the audience should take away that it’s okay to be smart, it’s okay to be funny and well-learned. You can be from academia and be funny; you don’t have to be an idiot.
He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family - especially when they’re great.
Not only are the voices in your head real, but they’re accurate as well.
The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?
Gradual school is where you go to school and you gradually find out you don't want to go to school anymore.
I have so much to say when I'm driving and I only have a horn. A horn don't say enough. A horn just goes, "screeeeeeeew yooooooou!" Right? I want a microphone. A microphone with a speaker on top, like the cops got. You can have 'em, too. Freedom of speech includes volume.
I’m left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that’s when I’m right.
I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn’t writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people’s moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you.