Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 515

Now we have hands-free phones, so you can focus on the thing you're really supposed to be doing ... chances are, if you need both of your hands to do something, your brain should be in on it too.

You can be passionate about anything.

And then also I think it's harder for women because comedy is so opposite of being ladylike.

If you don't wake up every day happy, change something.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they’re accurate as well.

Humanity is what happened when aliens fucked apes.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

Entrepreneurs with disabilities are overwhelmingly successful.

I ran into a woman I dated last year. I said, "You gave me a rash!" She said, "Put something on it." I said, "OK. Ten bucks says it was you."

I'm just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show.

My neighbor says being gay is biological. And the reason she gives is she says, “I knew I was gay since I was five years old.” Five. I don’t know about you, but when I was five, I’d fuck a guy, fuck a girl, fuck a guy, fuck a girl. I was all over the map. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I didn’t figure that out until I was nine.

The last president that anybody wanted to fuck was JFK. A woman president could be voted in if guys wanted to fuck her. If a female candidate with lots of sex appeal ever came along, her entire campaign could be “So vote for me and maybe I'll fuck ya”. She'd win by a landslide 'cause guys will do anything to get laid.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

I'll tell you the truth; I wanted to leave me for Sid Caesar.

There are no fights in Ireland, people just get so drunk they go, "Goddamn, ya sonofabitch!" and pass out. And there's no Alcoholics Anonymous there, because if there's a meeting, it's always at the bar.