Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 513
[Talking about her husband Doug] He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want...
People would walk up to me on the streets. "*indian accent* RUSSELL, RUSSELL, RUSSELLLLLLLL. Your show last night, russell your show last night. TOO good.. TOOOOO good. First Class. A1. Fantastic. The show was fantastic. The show was mind blasting"."You mean mind blowing"."No, no anything can blow your mind, it BLASTED my mind"
Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles.
In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
I don't get controversial, I don't get political and I don't tell you what to do with your life. I just go out there and tell some stories, and people can relate.
I was going to get me a white woman, but O.J. messed it up for everybody. He set interracial dating back a thousand years.
Marie-Antoinette, who said to Louis, "Not tonight – this is my last headache." Never got a dinner!
I am always hoping to do another CD. This atmosphere has been difficult.
It's easier to rip somebody to shreds while you're making them laugh.
Someone called all the newspapers in New York and told them I'd died. I've been told by almost everyone it was an ex-wife - I've had a few so it's hard to pinpoint which one - but who knows for sure?
It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people.
I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?