Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 528
My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.
I was driving down the highway and I saw a sign that said: Live Nude Girls. And I was thinking, you probably don't need the 'live.' I wasn't even thinking about the girls' mortality until you brought it up.
Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America, you're annoying..."
That’s the one thing I have over any twenty-one-year-old: a proud history of accumulated neuroses. That's the game in which I'm da man.
I always enjoyed Carlin for turning the tables on culture. He is an excellent writer that has endured for decades.
I was watching Maury Povich the other day. He had these people on who say that they've had near death experiences. Do you ever notice they always say the same thing? 'I remember seeing this really bright, white light.' It's like, of course, you pinhead, it's the paramedic looking in your pupils with a penlight.
I was making love one night with my wife and she said: "You're in me." I know where I am, shut the fuck up.
Eve, who asked Adam, "Does this fig leaf make me look fat?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house.