Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 528

Guys are not good at marriage. It's not our fault; we weren't prepared for it like women are. Your whole life is built just preparation for marriage, every toy you played with. When you're a baby they give you a baby doll. So they give you a baby when you're a baby. You don't even know you're alive yet and they're like, 'Look, I would probably start figuring this out. This is where it's going.' Then they give you Barbie and Ken -- they live in a little house together and that is where you learn how to make drama.

If I want to act relaxed, it’s going to take all my cunning, skill and concentration.

I’m dangerously close to getting what I want. Feels a bit weird.

Germany’s like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

False hope really makes you cynical.

There’s no ironic appreciation of things we love, even of things that are in fact ridiculous, which a hipster might take and own and show the world the humor in it.

The thing I love about Vegas is that it's a melting pot. It's like working Ellis Island.

The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.

My father was the guy on the block who said hi to everyone.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Is oral sex adultery? Yes! That's the end of the fucking argument. There's nothing to discuss. If curling is an Olympic sport, then oral sex is adultery. And oral sex should be an Olympic sport. I would like to see that. Ice skating, then blowjobs. I certainly would stay through whatever commercials they had. I think oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it's harder than curling ever has been. And if you're any good at it, you deserve a medal.

When you see the handwriting on the wall, your in the toilet.

You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.

Tequila is like acid in a glass.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.