Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 529
The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
I started out in this industry with standup comedy and it got me to the movies, but it’s something I love to do and it’s something I’m enjoying coming back to.
Hello. And welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. The points here are kind of like Canada.
I did whatever it takes to do stand-up. There is an abundance of material in struggling and poverty and trying to make it. There is so much humor in that, it's unlimited.
I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.
People are tired of this mainstream shit; television and radio is ghastly and the public can smell the corporate meeting. When you watch a show with Simon Cowell, you know no human touch has been near it, that they've carefully engineered the outcome and picked those they're going to humiliate. We live in an age of information glut, but so many people don't question what they're spoon-fed or bother to search for themselves.
We get in the club, and we are totally out of our element. There's this synthesizer-computer music going, there's these laser lights and black lights. It's just not our kind of gig. So we're standing there having a beer and all of sudden my friend goes, 'Hey man, check out that table over there. Those girls'. And there was a table of really young girls. Old enough to be in a bar, but younger than us. And I go 'Yeah'. And he goes 'I think they're checking you out'. I go 'Shut up. They're not checking me out'. Of course, in my head, I'm going 'Hell yeah, they're checking me out! What are you not seeing?'. And he goes 'Nah man, I think they're gonna come over'. I go 'Shut up'. And all of sudden, this one stands up, and she's about 5'10", smoking hot. She's got a little, tight dress on, cut up to the hip and she has locked eyes on me. And my friend goes 'Dude, you are dead'. And I turned around to talk to them and - this is when you know you have really good friends - they have all taken a step back from me. So now I'm just the turd in the punch bowl. And she is walking right at me and I'm thinking 'Oh my God'. In my head, this whole scenario is going down. I'm thinking 'Just be cool, let her down easy...'. And she walks up to me and says 'Hi'. And I go 'Hi'. She goes 'I'm Bridget'. And I go 'Hi Bridget, I'm fifty. And you're hot'. And I go 'So why don't we do this? Look, before this gets awkward, let me just buy your table a round of drinks, we'll call it a night, and it'll be over'. And she goes 'Okay. But we thought you were Cindy's dad. She's puking in the bathroom so we called him'.
Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!"
Yeah, I still feel like a homie. That connection is still a big thing, 'cause that's where I came from.
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.