Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 529
I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."
We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? "Well you got this refrigerator here, this keeps all your food cold for 600... You've got this refrigerator, this keeps all your food cold for 800... Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold."
This guy asked his doctor, 'Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?' And the doctor says 'Sure.' And the guy says, 'Funny, I couldn't do it before.'
I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.
I just want people to know, “this dude is a funny dude. I’m a fan of this dude. Now I’m looking forward to the next one.”
Saint Christopher, who said, "Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal?" Never got a dinner!
Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.
Mm-mm, no, thank you, no, I don't want an enchilaaadaaa. Nor do I want a burr-eye-to. Or a tay-co. Or any other bizarre, unneccessary vowel substitutions.
A lot of people out there are going to ask 'why did they interview Carlos about this? Carlos is a joke thief, Carlos steals jokes and we know this.' Listen to me and look at me when I tell you this, with all honesty: if you think that I steal jokes, fuck yeah, you're right! Of course I fucking steal jokes, are you out of your fucking mind? When I come to a comedy club, you better run, bitch, you better get the fuck off stage because if anything you say is even remotely funny, I'm going to make it mine. And all I'm going to do is say 'Mexican' in the front. I'm like a rapper, I just sample shit and make it my own. Was that really my song? I don't know, but it sounds like mine, but it kind of sounds like somebody else's. It's a hit, bitch!
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50.
I'm often asked, 'What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted The Tonight Show?' I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous 'Tomahawk Toss' that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment.