Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 529
It's a real Strad, you know. If it isn't I'm out one hundred and ten dollars. The reason I got it so cheap is that it's one of the few Strads made in Japan.
Here’s how to make your man like you and desire what you want, which is love. Equate how you feel about your vagina to how we feel about our time and our space… I can’t fuck you against your will, you gotta desire to want to fuck me. If I fuck you against your will, that’s rape. <br /> Now if I’m on the phone and I say, “Look I got to go.” And you say, “Why you gotta go? I want to talk to you some more.” You are raping my time. You are taking something from me. No means no, bitch. I said I got to go. Why are you forcing me to stay on the phone and talk to you about nothing.
I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to my girlfriend. But first, I'd probably burn my clothes.
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-fucked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It's about knowing and accepting who you are.
Speaking of Quarterback nicknames, you hear they’re calling Jay Cutler 50 cent? Because you only get two quarters out of him.
You may not think I'm a sex symbol, but I became a father at the age of 48. Now young people think of me as a mini-folk hero because it's difficult for them to believe a man of my age is sexually active.
You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
Girls mature faster than boys. Yeah, a chick came up with that.
But this phenomenal thing happens - even though you are the same guy with the same script - when you have a producer attached.
I rented a movie and I put it in the DVD player and before the movie starts, it says, “this film has been modified to fit your television.” Can you imagine if it wasn’t? All you’d see is like a knuckle.