Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 527

Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.

People are tired of this mainstream shit; television and radio is ghastly and the public can smell the corporate meeting. When you watch a show with Simon Cowell, you know no human touch has been near it, that they've carefully engineered the outcome and picked those they're going to humiliate. We live in an age of information glut, but so many people don't question what they're spoon-fed or bother to search for themselves.

I work really hard at trying to see the big picture and not getting stuck in ego. I believe we're all put on this planet for a purpose, and we all have a different purpose... When you connect with that love and that compassion, that's when everything unfolds.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

I got in trouble because I came here, and I said, 'Hey, San Francisco! There's a lot of races here. I want to go find the beaners.' So I look on the map... I kept looking on the map for something beaner, and then I went 'Oh there's where the beaners hang out obviously: Castro.' How you gonna name the gay neighborhood after us, man? I thought I was gonna go hang out with beaners - I got fucked. That ain't right, man.

J-Lo finally married into her own music genre. Crappy music.

It's easier to do comedy with an audience, because their reactions tell you whether or not what your saying qualifies as comedy.

I know environmentalists exist, but whenever I see a guy on a bike, I don't think, 'Oh, sweet, there goes an environmentalist.' I'm always like, 'That poor sucker got a DUI.'

It was frustrating because I didn't do anything, ... I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and he decided to punish me. I couldn't do anything about it.

I guess he wanted to see a little more sexual activity because in real life, in bed I think less is more and let the woman come to me. Frankly, I don't even need a woman there.

The last president that anybody wanted to fuck was JFK. A woman president could be voted in if guys wanted to fuck her. If a female candidate with lots of sex appeal ever came along, her entire campaign could be “So vote for me and maybe I'll fuck ya”. She'd win by a landslide 'cause guys will do anything to get laid.

I was at the airport trying to pick up my mother. Well, it was dark in that lounge...

I love the movies, I don't even call them the movies, I call them cinematic adventures.

Comics don't like to see other comics do well.

Look at this way: if we all ate one person, the problem would be halved over-night. Think about it: I could eat someone you don't like, you could eat someone I don't like... where's the fucking damage?