Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 527
Is it like gay men go into the priesthood because they figure, "Well, this'll solve my problem. I can't be a homosexual in the priesthood; it'll just go away. Maybe I'll try it with the Republican Party."
Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me?<br /> Murray: A little, around the eyes.<br /> Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh?<br /> Murray: Well... she's got eyes.
This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.
And in that time, I lost my dad and had kids of my own. It was like, OK, I get it now. I know what fatherhood is all about. And you look at your parents differently.
Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.
The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
We sat down and told stories that happened to us in our childhood, to our children. They were all basically based on the truth. These stories were funny and poignant to us. They just took off. These are all stories from my life.
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.
I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.
I had written in another draft a completely different kind of fight, but they said they couldn't afford to shoot it. They needed a fight scene, though, so I was told to put a fight scene in, but not the one I had written.