Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 539
Most guys don't realize that when they're having sex with their girlfriend, their also having sex with everyone I've had sex with, too.
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.
I always hate having to use the gym equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: Clank! Clank! "I'm the two plate guy!" Clank! Clank! "Anyone wanna spot me?" Clank! Clank!
My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.
Evaluate every performance on: stage presence, concentration, delivery, material and lessons learned.
You don't just get a computer to get online. You gotta get other stuff. You better get a modem, or you're not getting on anything. You gotta get a monitor, that's what I found out. You gotta get a mouse. You gotta get a mouse pad. You gotta get a sperm guard for your keyboard.
America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.
I was a typical kid. I dug holes in the yard, threw rocks, had plum battles with the neighbours and used trash can lids as shields. I was always outside getting dirty.
It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.