Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 539

A sold-out house my first night back. Do you have any idea what kinda pressure that is? I could have been at home in my warm bed, playing Nintendo.

Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950’s baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.

My swag is always capital and live in north Virginia.

I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.

See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

And my friend is black, but I don't know what to call him. So I just call him Jamal Even though his name is Steve.

My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it.'

I know environmentalists exist, but whenever I see a guy on a bike, I don't think, 'Oh, sweet, there goes an environmentalist.' I'm always like, 'That poor sucker got a DUI.'

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'

How our government works... it doesn't.