Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 539

One year my dad bought my mom a mood ring. Them things work pretty good. When she was in a good mood it was blue and when she was in a bad mood it made a red mark upside my dad’s head.

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I realized recently that what I need to find is a woman who love me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

You must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all.

I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.

Just went to the gym and worked on every body part. Four people slapped me.

I see guys dressing like they're in college - and they're not. I don't want to be that guy.

Yeah, I still feel like a homie. That connection is still a big thing, 'cause that's where I came from.

I have short-term memory loss, though I like to think of it as Presidential eligibility.

I remember the day I saw my hair was thinning. I don't remember caring much. I don't care. It's just hair. It never bothered me much. I was pretty young, too. And it happened and is happening very slowly. I have a feeling dead people get really mad when we complain about losing hair.

The reason I like to watch stuff about the Civil War is because I believe that I was in the Civil War. I went to a clairvoyant and she told me in a past life, she goes "You were in the Civil War." And I said I feel this. Because when I watch programs about the Civil War, sometimes, I feel like I know people. I'm like "There's James!" "Lloyd! I would know you, you fangle-tooth motherfucker! Go build that railroad."

My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.