Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 540
This I before E stuff would've screwed up Einstein. He's got it wrong twice in his name.
My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it.'
Have you ever watched footage of the destruction caused by hurricanes in America? When a big wind sweeps across America, there isn't a building left standing. And you can't help thinking: the Southern states of America must have been built by the first two little piggies.
Religion has what is easily the greatest bullshit story of all time.
Harpo Marx, who once said, " ." And those words are as true today as when he first didn't speak them. Never got a dinner!
I got into trouble a lot in school. They say you're a disturbance in class. You're a distraction, they're moving you around. You never really get rewarded in class for being funny. You're a disturbance. But the funny kid is often witty and clever and quick... they finally get a chance to express themselves when they get out of school.
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?
She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'
I used to go to the Cleveland Comedy Club all the time. If there was a comic I liked, I'd go see him two or three times that week. Bob Saget was one of those guys.
The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it?
My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.
A friend of mine had his own theatre company, and he jumped me in like I was in a gang. And once I came in, it was just that simple. For the first time in my life, I felt, 'This is a career, this is a life that I think I can grow old doing.' It was love at first sight. I loved being on stage and reading these plays. It was great.