Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 540

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

You know what I like about George Bush? He makes me feel like I could be president, too. No, he does. He's like the first guy, like, from my reading level, you know... the first guy, like, from my math class to finally go out and do something!

I have a very warm spot in my heart for Vegas.

[in imitation of an outraged right-winger] You don't take an active interest in how your country is run for just forty-five years, and look what happens!

Thou shalt not? Fuck that, thou fucking shall!

I always wanted to write as much as perform.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.

Hip doesn't really come into play anymore as far as I can tell.

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.

I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!