Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 540
It`s your version of whatever that is. We use those words because they are kind of empowering. Try to get back into your life and get back on track with dreams you have. There`s nothing more attractive than a person who likes herself.
I know environmentalists exist, but whenever I see a guy on a bike, I don't think, 'Oh, sweet, there goes an environmentalist.' I'm always like, 'That poor sucker got a DUI.'
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
You messed up my self esteem... Bitch it's called SELF ESTEEM! It's the esteem of ya Mutha Fuckin Self Bitch... How did I fuck up how YOU feel about YOU?
Most guys don't realize that when they're having sex with their girlfriend, their also having sex with everyone I've had sex with, too.
It’s an amazingly consistent thing with Irish people. We will talk to strangers at parties for hours. It’s what we were bred to do I think. And the Jewish people were bred to write the stuff that we say.
In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.
I always hate having to use the gym equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: Clank! Clank! "I'm the two plate guy!" Clank! Clank! "Anyone wanna spot me?" Clank! Clank!
Overheard today in restaurant: "Can you stop listening to our conversation?"
Evaluate every performance on: stage presence, concentration, delivery, material and lessons learned.
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.