Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 541

Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.

And even though this marker smelt like an asshole and you just saw Jesus's eyes, there was still a kid following you around. "Can I smell? Can I smell? What does it smell? I didn't get a..." "Can I..." And then he would aggravate you until you were like "Here, fine, smell it!" And when he leaned in, you go "A-ha-ha-ha-ha, nice face!" "I'm going to go puke blood! What are you? What are you?!"

Why do Cowboys wear a spur on each boot? If one side of the horse moves, the other side goes with it.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

I was driving down the highway and I saw a sign that said: Live Nude Girls. And I was thinking, you probably don't need the 'live.' I wasn't even thinking about the girls' mortality until you brought it up.

My feeling is this whole country is founded on the principle of "if you are not hurting anyone, and you're not fucking with someone else's shit, and you are paying your taxes, you should be able to just do what you want to do." It's the freedom and the independence.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

And in that time, I lost my dad and had kids of my own. It was like, OK, I get it now. I know what fatherhood is all about. And you look at your parents differently.

Some people say that Jesus was black. I don't know if that's true or not, but that would explain why it's taking him so long to come back.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

And then also I think it's harder for women because comedy is so opposite of being ladylike.

I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.

And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

I've been fortunate to work with good directors who understand improvisation and understand the way comedians work. Luke Basan let me do my thing like do what you feel and take the character to another level. Quentin Tarrantino was more of an acting coach. He can teach you beats and then hell say go with it but give this feeling. So I've been fortunate to work with good, seasoned directors.