Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 541
Nicole Richie’s baby shower is going to be this Sunday at 12:30 in the afternoon. It should be a very special event - many of these people are going to be seeing each other for the first time in broad daylight.
You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself "god I just wasted half the day".
How do you come back? It's one step at a time. I'm optimistic because I don't know what else to be.
I love my FedEx guy 'cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time.
Every time you see a black romance it's over-the-top. There always has to be extreme hostility between the sexes. He has to cheat. She has to show him how independently strong she is, not just as a woman but as a black woman.
I grew up in a home and in a world in which you can do anything. We were all expected to go to college. My father was a doctor.
I was doing gigs to stay alive. I worked two or three jobs at a time, there were times when I stayed up for 36 hours straight. I slept in shopping mall parking lots. A stand-up gig paid $35; then I could eat for another few days until the next gig. Literally, I was performing to live.
The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
Purple and gold tigers don't really enter my world unless I've been up for a couple of days.
I work really hard at trying to see the big picture and not getting stuck in ego. I believe we're all put on this planet for a purpose, and we all have a different purpose... When you connect with that love and that compassion, that's when everything unfolds.
Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
I'm not even worried about them getting sick of the characters. I want to make sure stuff is still funny to me.
The reason I like to watch stuff about the Civil War is because I believe that I was in the Civil War. I went to a clairvoyant and she told me in a past life, she goes "You were in the Civil War." And I said I feel this. Because when I watch programs about the Civil War, sometimes, I feel like I know people. I'm like "There's James!" "Lloyd! I would know you, you fangle-tooth motherfucker! Go build that railroad."
Why do Cowboys wear a spur on each boot? If one side of the horse moves, the other side goes with it.