Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 542

Spontaneous, clever, specific, oblique and at the same time very human.

There is nothing like making love to somebody you give a shit about.

To love is to risk not to be loved in return.

At least gays don’t kill babies before their due date.

And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.

Don't give up your power.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.'

I used to go to the Cleveland Comedy Club all the time. If there was a comic I liked, I'd go see him two or three times that week. Bob Saget was one of those guys.

They’re all for changing the laws except when it comes to their campaign donors.

Bush looked straight into the camera and said 'We must preserve the sanctity of marriage!' You know, straight people are doing such a fucking great job.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.