Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 542
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
A polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
I went to this one strip club with the guys after the show and we get to the strip club and they actually tried to charge me a cover, can you believe that...you want me to pay...I was like pay are you out your damn mind..come on man I brought my own titties"
I wanted her in a bad way, though I wasn’t sure exactly for what. Had she one day suddenly turned and yelled, “Jam it in!” at me, I’m not convinced I’d have known what to do.
By shrewdly linking procreation to an act likely to make you stupid with excitement, God has seen to it that Life does indeed go on. It's possible, by the way, that this is why God's name comes up so often in the middle of the act; it's a salute to the author: "Hey, whoever made this up - thanks."
Mm-mm, no, thank you, no, I don't want an enchilaaadaaa. Nor do I want a burr-eye-to. Or a tay-co. Or any other bizarre, unneccessary vowel substitutions.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
How do you come back? It's one step at a time. I'm optimistic because I don't know what else to be.
It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.
Every time you see a black romance it's over-the-top. There always has to be extreme hostility between the sexes. He has to cheat. She has to show him how independently strong she is, not just as a woman but as a black woman.
I was doing gigs to stay alive. I worked two or three jobs at a time, there were times when I stayed up for 36 hours straight. I slept in shopping mall parking lots. A stand-up gig paid $35; then I could eat for another few days until the next gig. Literally, I was performing to live.
The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.