Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 592
I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.
Terrible wars have been fought where millions have died for one idea - freedom. And it seems that something that means so much to so many people would be worth having.
My wife was going through my car one night. She said looking for a map. I know it's bogus. 'Cause every time we drive anywhere, she knows exactly where we're going and has no problem telling me how to get there.
There was a guy last week back East who shot his wife at a Domestic Violence Center. I think he misunderstood the sign.
I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.
I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.
Your fans make you. In entertainment, I don’t give a shit what you think you are, you are nothing without fans.
I would believe in reincarnation but too many of me ex-girlfriends did and it isn't worth the risk.
I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone’s safety is protected.
Tragically, my last girlfriend couldn't cook to save her life.
Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.
I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.
Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.