Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 592
When I was a kid I did impressions and funny voices a lot. When I was telling a story I would use the voices to make it more entertaining.
The bile makes it better. I am an information wasting machine - 100s of words a day.
You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.
I'm not busy... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy.
I hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited. Kind of an awkward press conference for my parents. "Officer, do you have any leads?" "Well, based on Mr. Finnegan's computer entries, we think he was abducted by Sorority Sluts."
Tragically, my last girlfriend couldn't cook to save her life.
Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.
Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.
Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.
I'm sick and tired of our generation being called the TV generation. What do you expect? We watched Lee Harvey Oswald get his brains blown out all over. How could we change the channel after that?
I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.
I like New York. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, 'Hey, that's mine. Don't pee on that.'