Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 591

I mostly get takeout, I have to admit - I don't know if that's something to be ashamed of. I'm not much of a cook.

I've never been one to sit back and go, "I'd better do what the audience wants me to do, because I don't want to lose them."

Moses, who said to the Israelites, "Stop calling me Charlton!" Never got a dinner!

The captain of the Titanic, who said to room service, "Who sent for all this ice?" Never got a dinner!

I work a lot and I like to get out and work but the work I do to make the other work work I'm not very good at.

I have added a lot. There's some Vegas stuff and hotel stuff and a whole chunk on health.

It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.

I recently attended a pro-drug rally... in my basement.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

I'll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.

I still have drive, but everything is relative.

I'd like to think my performance is today. I never try to - it's so, as you know, watching me, I have a beginning, middle and ending. But every night the show changes and I relate to an audience and I relate to the young people.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

You ever talk about a movie with someone who read the book? They're always so condescending, "Ah, the book was much better than the movie." "Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie? No reading. It only took two hours, and then I could take a nap."