Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 591

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

I do not enjoy when people don't like me.

As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human beings except Italians.

Apparently, the most popular role play fantasy is the nurse fantasy. If I was going to do the nurse fantasy for my man, I would just make him wait in the living room for an hour and read Highlights magazine before rejecting his health insurance.

I recently bought a cat, but took it back a day later because our personalities clashed.

No, I guess this is a pretty funny story. One that I’ll never ever tell anyone because of my deep and burning shame.

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

If reading makes you smart then how come when you read a book they have to put the title of the book on the top of every single page? Does anyone get halfway through a book, "What the hell am I reading?"

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

A sold-out house my first night back. Do you have any idea what kinda pressure that is? I could have been at home in my warm bed, playing Nintendo.

For this being the holiday season everyone at the mall is pissed. Time to shop online.

Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.