Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 593
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.
You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.
If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you.
Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment.
You ever talk about a movie with someone who read the book? They're always so condescending, "Ah, the book was much better than the movie." "Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie? No reading. It only took two hours, and then I could take a nap."
The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.
It is not important to know what facts are true. The relationships portrayed are real. My mother did have a job interview with my father. She worked alongside him for awhile, they dated, were married and had a family. She never did get to the World's Fair.
He had a passion and a depth of belief, and an optimism, and a tenacity that I very much admired. He was one of the first people I remember learning about, and maybe his death left an indelible mark. I felt that Robert Kennedy was a man of political integrity.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
It's been a struggle for me because I had a chance to be white and refused.
What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
The doctor looked my body over. I said: "Is there any hope?" He said: "Yes. Reincarnation."
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.
They fucked around, started negotiating with those white people, they lost all that shit... And what they didn't lose negotiating, white people just kicked their ass on out of..