Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 593
Pliny the Elder, who when Rome was burning requested Nero to play "You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille." Never got a dinner!
Moses, who said to the Israelites, "Stop calling me Charlton!" Never got a dinner!
Lot, who said to his wife as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, "Stop shaking!" Never got a dinner!
The captain of the Titanic, who said to room service, "Who sent for all this ice?" Never got a dinner!
I work a lot and I like to get out and work but the work I do to make the other work work I'm not very good at.
I have added a lot. There's some Vegas stuff and hotel stuff and a whole chunk on health.
Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.
I don't feel an obligation to give everyone a hard time, but when they're important people, it's fun.
The problem with vampires is they look like they're 20, but they're actually 100 years old. So you'll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and he's doing the Charleston. Or you think he's cheating on you, so you go through his journal. You're like, 'Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the fuck is that?'
If there’s anyone out there involved in illegal movie piracy... don't do it. Take a good look at these people. These are the people you're stealing from. Look at them! Face what you've done! There are women here who can barely afford enough gown to cover their breasts.
I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who wants to get beat up by a guy with that voice? That's not the most masculine voice to take a beating to.
Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.