Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 597
Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.
I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.
You can't talk about fucking in America, people say you're dirty. But if you talk about killing somebody, that's cool.
The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.
So after Another You I ran off to my very own piece of paradise, my home in Hana.
You know what I want you to do? I want you to blow out the candle and curse the darkness.
It’s quite hard being right in the face of people who are wrong without sounding like a fuckwit. People go “do you think the vast majority of the world is wrong”, well yes. I don’t know how to say that nicely, but yes.”
Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten.
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.
The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.
Some people are against porno and I say, “Hey, whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that’s their business.”
I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are...