Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 597
I asked him one time to tell me how I was conceived. You know why? 'Cause I wanted one good story. I don't have any good stories. I have no romantic stories of my parents that don't end with this phrase: "So the cops finally cuffed the crazy bitch."
When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you're out on the end of the plank.
I'm quite good at taking in information so I voraciously inhale Wikipedia - which may have some things wrong in it, but I think is generally more information than we had before. Last tour we didn't have Wikipedia. And then Discovery Channel and History Channel. I can take it in and retain what I think are the most important facts.
Don't drink on weekends either... if you are gonna feel like shit tomorrow, drink Sunday through Thursday.
Taping yourself and making yourself listen to the tape of each performance no matter how bad is really important. There's always a nugget line or a direction pointed out to you in even the worst show.
Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.
Mainstream culture is like your mom: It’s always a little late to catch on and gets easily confused by technology, but it means well.
You say you're sick and tired of hearing about me? I've got news for you: I'm sick and tired of hearing about me.
After spending the last 15 years guest hosting, I couldn’t be happier to get the opportunity to host my own show! I’m looking forward to talking sports, connecting with listeners, and interviewing amazing guests every day, while being a part of the FOX Sports Radio family. It was worth the wait.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
The doctor looked my body over. I said: "Is there any hope?" He said: "Yes. Reincarnation."
Seriously, I don't need a gun. I'm easily annoyed. I would shoot people in my house that I invited over.
Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.