Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 598

Dos tequilas for the table por favor, both of them for the lady.

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

S-s-sure I'll join your cult. [nervous smile]

As a general rule, I’ll talk about anything, provided it’s funny. But some topics - disease, famine, Big Daddy Kane - have a slightly higher threshold for how funny an idea must seem for me to try it onstage.

Some are from the world of the arts, some from the fields of business, architecture, wine-making and education. What they have in common is that they are all known nationally - and many internationally - for their wide-ranging achievements.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.

I started this craze that's sweeping, no, it's Swiffering the nation.

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, "I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive". And six months later you're like, "Lord, any mammal with a day job".

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

Right now, I hope it's later rather than sooner.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

I'm quite good at taking in information so I voraciously inhale Wikipedia - which may have some things wrong in it, but I think is generally more information than we had before. Last tour we didn't have Wikipedia. And then Discovery Channel and History Channel. I can take it in and retain what I think are the most important facts.