Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 598
Race baiters and discriminators may go underground, but they never move out of town.
I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.
I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
The captain of the Titanic, who said to room service, "Who sent for all this ice?" Never got a dinner!
25, 30 years ago, that meant something, they were making some money. And they were doing all sorts of comedy, screaming at the audience, basically crowd control. And then there was the whole urban comedy scene.
Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else.
Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.
When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy’s sack.
My friend’s really into similes. He uses a lot of similes. He’s like annoying.
From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street.
Who applies for that job? Who says "I want to work in lost luggage"? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long.