Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 596

Everybody in Hollywood loves symbolic gestures.

Love it when you're smiling.

In Hollywood, Oscar is king.

I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.

Listen, the weather is just like Hillary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we?

When my parents send me emails the first 3 are blank.

I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, "Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it."

So after Another You I ran off to my very own piece of paradise, my home in Hana.

As a general rule, I’ll talk about anything, provided it’s funny. But some topics - disease, famine, Big Daddy Kane - have a slightly higher threshold for how funny an idea must seem for me to try it onstage.

My stand-up act is very clean.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

There's a big difference between "poll workers" and "pole workers." Sadly.

There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."