Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 596

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

You can never go wrong betting on Americans' bad eating habits. So I've made a ton investing in all fast food chains, while at the same time investing in Dockers, spandex, Spanx, and sweatpants. Basically, anything with an elastic waistband is a goldmine.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.

Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.

I feel so badly about what they do to turkeys. That's why this year my family and I are eating a live bird.

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well...

And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

I try to be me to the utmost.

Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don't give a damn.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

Scattergories is second base for Christians.

You might be a redneck if fewer than half of your cars run.