Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 619
Here’s something you never hear: "Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I’m free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!"
I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.
My wife was going through my car one night. She said looking for a map. I know it's bogus. 'Cause every time we drive anywhere, she knows exactly where we're going and has no problem telling me how to get there.
When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
The definition of the word "nerd" has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.
We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.
Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.