Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 619

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?.. No... as funny as that is, I'm not.

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said "made from natural and artificial flavors." You could just say "flavors."

Nancy Reagan, who said to Jerry Zipkin, "What do you wear to a recession?" Never got a dinner!

People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

“Is that a gun in your pocket or you just pleased to see me? No its me knob.”

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

You might be a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

(When asked by Johnny Carson what he liked most about living in the United States versus living in Russia.) "Warning shots. In the U.S. the police shoot in the air -- in Russia they shoot straight ahead, that's warning for the next guy."

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.