Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 620
Concerned we're in a time where politicians can't even fake sincerity. Aren't they supposed to be good at that?
Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.
If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.
But after they settle in you've still got to be funny, because for an hour just the fact they get to see you live in a theater is going to wear off if you're not doing well.
I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.
The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn't happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman.
Farts are - I just refuse to be snobbish about certain shit with comedy. You know, farts come out of your ass and they make a fucking trumpet sound. That shit smelling gas comes out of your ass and it makes a toot sound. What the fuck is not funny about that? It’s perfect, it’s a perfect joke. It has all the elements.
Watching someone smoke when you can't is like watching porno without being able to jack off.
It was a really special winter wasn't it?... if you're a fucking moose! If you've got fur on your nuts it's been a fucking festival!
Is it common for people to become a pothead at 40? Asking for myself.