Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 620
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
The most used appliance in our house is my 10-year-old son Leon's Xbox.
(When asked by Johnny Carson what he liked most about living in the United States versus living in Russia.) "Warning shots. In the U.S. the police shoot in the air -- in Russia they shoot straight ahead, that's warning for the next guy."
The pill, now that's a good invention, just for the fact that everybody here knows exactly which pill I'm talking about. I gave you "the" and a very vague noun and everybody's onboard!
That security guard can never tell me where to park. What does he know about parking? He can tell me where to stand.
I’m not a tough guy, but I can beat up everyone at Trader Joe’s, but at Food-for-Less I shut up. They don‘t have aisles, they have alleys.
They just opened a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks.
One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, ‘That makes sense.’
I watched Ken Burns' Civil War series on PBS. My favorite segment is when Bob Hope entertains the troops at Gettysburg.
A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"
It's nights like this that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this.
I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.