Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 618

I want to be able to go into a room of aliens and be funny. I don’t care who it is. I don’t ever want to limit myself to a type of comedy because I don’t want to be stuck. I want to be able to make anybody laugh and that’s the key for me.

Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!

My brain is very fantastical. If I ever actually recorded myself, I could probably win a Grammy for sex talk. Being on the road while in relationships, you need to learn to pleasure one another.

You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

I love kebabs, they give you all that meat, that saturated fat, and they give you that little bit of salad. What's that, the healthy section? Never see a drunk do that, do you? "Where's me salad! What you trying to do, kill me?"

Nobody cares that youre smart and nobody cares that your kids dont have bruises.

Everybody in Hollywood loves symbolic gestures.

Love it when you're smiling.

Two blind fellows walk into a wall.

I love Costas. He's knows too much, but he's a good guy.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

Seriously, I don't need a gun. I'm easily annoyed. I would shoot people in my house that I invited over.

If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.

I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes.