Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 618
I was watching Maury Povich the other day. He had these people on who say that they've had near death experiences. Do you ever notice they always say the same thing? 'I remember seeing this really bright, white light.' It's like, of course, you pinhead, it's the paramedic looking in your pupils with a penlight.
Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say "hello". "Hellooo, I invented the telephone!"
When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you're out on the end of the plank.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
You must study their deliveries, their use of their bodies, their timing, and their use of audio and vocal effects.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".
So when you do get on, the first class people are already sitting there; they're all sprawled out on their big thrones. "Bring me the head of a pig! And a goblet of something cool and refreshing! Anyone have a fiddle? Amuse me."
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.
I didn't know the full facts of life until I was 17. My father never talked about his work.
I'd distract myself until finally it was a combination of things. The show was over and I had time on my hands. I had taken time and played and just relaxed.
People who say "life is precious" don't spend much time on line at the airport.