Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 618
That security guard can never tell me where to park. What does he know about parking? He can tell me where to stand.
What right does a politician have to tell me what I can and cannot watch? Change the channel if you don't like what's on TV!
When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I'm really white. I'm English white, that's basically turbo white. My skin is borderline translucent. If I'm standing, and the sun is behind me, I'm a functioning x-ray.
Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary "lift".
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
Republicans are always saying we should privatize things like schools, prisons, social security - hey, how about we privatize privacy! Because if the government forbids gay men from tying the knot, what is their alternative? They can`t all marry Liza Minnelli.
I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich.
Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.
I know this sounds strange, but as a kid, I was really shy. Painfully shy. The turning point was freshman year, when I was the biggest geek alive. No one, I mean no one, even talked to me.