Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 622
I am 65, my friends say I look 55, I feel 45, I'll settle for 35, and you make me feel 25!
It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians.
The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.
Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.
"Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?"
If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".
Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.
I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.
You might be a redneck if your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
I think you can go from being not very funny to working really hard for 10 years and figuring out how to make a living on the road, but I don't think you can rise much above that.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Let’s say you know 100% beyond the shadow of a doubt that you’d take a bullet for your child. Let me ask you this: why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?