Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 621

I'm quite good at taking in information so I voraciously inhale Wikipedia - which may have some things wrong in it, but I think is generally more information than we had before. Last tour we didn't have Wikipedia. And then Discovery Channel and History Channel. I can take it in and retain what I think are the most important facts.

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

You might be a redneck if your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

Get to go to a bachelor party. We went to a strip club…. Really unqualified stripper came out. Ugly… She comes out, she goes “Hey cutie, what do you want me to take off next?” I go, “My glasses.”

This beautiful woman has something written on the side of her body, it says, "whatever is not the stars to hold our destinies, but in ourselves"... I just don’t under - why? why? why do people do that? Is that for when she’s hookin’ up with some guy, right? And he’s bangin’ her doggy style and he kinda leans over, and he looks and then he reads that, and like what’s he supposed to think then? Like, "Da... this bitch is deep!"

I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today...

Don't work out, work in.

Carpe per diem - seize the check.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

I have emotional needs that I didn't know I had, and I have physical needs that I didn't know weren't really needs.

God old people on coaches! Fuck they go past you at light speed! You can see their faces all up the back window!

She picked me up in her car because I was traveling by bus, and I thought it would be a lot easier for her to pick me up in her car than for me to convince Greyhound to reroute the bus to go by her house. The paperwork alone - logistical nightmare.