Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 621

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between "You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry," and "Don't scream."

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

Do you know they have a pill to stop you from gambling? What are the odds?

I think the Republicans took all the fun out of 'gay.' I mean the word gay - it's fun. But now it's a ban on same sex partners. That sounds horrible. I mean, when do you hear a ban? When it's a toxic pesticide or a nuclear warhead. And who wants to fuck a partner? It sounds like a guy in a gray suit at a law firm.

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

I got these new pajama bottoms and they have pockets. Which is great, because I was getting really tired of holding things while I slept.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

Tina Fey is part of a generation of women who have changed the face of comedy at 'Second City,' 'SNL,' in sitcoms and in film.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

I really wish they hadn't made the set out of asbestos.

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you.

You might be a redneck if you refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year".