Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 621
For this being the holiday season everyone at the mall is pissed. Time to shop online.
Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.
I just felt wonderful about that. Just to erase all that mess about,"'Well, I'm either flipping burgers or doing drugs, you know, or getting shot." You know, that kind of a thing.
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.
On many young actors that don't give their parents proper credit: I'm still waiting for some actor to win, say, an Oscar... and deliver the following acceptance speech: I would like to thank my parents, first of all, for letting me live.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
There were very few women comics when I started out doing stand-up. But I always saw that as a great advantage.
Diabetes is a sugar imbalance. You are an estrogen molotov cocktail.
I've spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely.