Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 623

I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.

You might be a redneck if your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

You're what we call a 2 bagger, ok, that means that I have to wear a bag on my head just in case the one on yours breaks.

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and ask, “Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said, “Yes,” stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

Nothing makes a white guy feel safer than seeing a trolly, you never feel you're gonna get fucked up when you're around a trolly.

I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this...

I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.

Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.

I don't want to be known as this goody-two-shoes who can only do comedies where puppies are licking peanut butter off my face.

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.

So when you do get on, the first class people are already sitting there; they're all sprawled out on their big thrones. "Bring me the head of a pig! And a goblet of something cool and refreshing! Anyone have a fiddle? Amuse me."