Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 623
There have been times I’ve been out, and my phone battery is at nine percent, and I was like, ‘Time to go home.’
This is the first time that Irish people go: ‘You’re going to England? Sure it’s full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We’ve no terrorists. They’re all playwrights now.’
How do I say this without sounding like an egomaniac? I don't know a comedian that sells more seats than me in the red states and blue states, so I don't see where I have to change that much.
Nothing makes a white guy feel safer than seeing a trolly, you never feel you're gonna get fucked up when you're around a trolly.
Yesterday someone asked me in interviews why I was so self-deprecating. I told them it’s because I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve self esteem.
I think that should be the anti - speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.
I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.
The vagina is like a hot dog, if I really know what’s in it, I can’t eat it. I’m kidding, I can eat it, but it’s weird.
I almost bought a DeLorean the other day just because. If I see something that I think is cool and I like it, I'll go for it.
Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.
Have you ever noticed nobody has ever ordered a grapefruit the size of a tumor? Ever. There's no reciprocity.
You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they're coming up with ideas that these people haven't thought of themselves.
Do you think pandas know they’re Chinese and they’re taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?