Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 623
Is it common for people to become a pothead at 40? Asking for myself.
Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between "You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry," and "Don't scream."
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. I light some candles. Then I try to shoot them out when I'm done. Never invite me to a birthday party.
The best part is just having a partner. There is no real worst part. I'm not going to say there's a worst part. I mean I'm a comedian - comedians like to work alone. So maybe I'm not the ideal guy to be married to, in that sense.
I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
Stop worrying. Hollywood won't turn your daughter into a nymphomaniac or get her hooked on drugs... I will.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
Many Zookeeper sequels in the works. Paul Blart Mall Keeper, Kevin James interacts with talking berets at Lids. Then there’s Morning Zookeepers, where he’s a morning deejay and interacting with talking animals.
Tina Fey is part of a generation of women who have changed the face of comedy at 'Second City,' 'SNL,' in sitcoms and in film.
You might be a redneck if your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.