Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 63
When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg, so when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.
I have nothing against the planet per se. I root for the big comet or asteroid as a way of cleansing the planet. The comet or asteroid 65 million years ago is probably what gave us our opening to replace the reptiles.
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over...
I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
Democracy is the worst kind, I’m sorry but it is. “We get to pick our leaders.” Well, what if I don’t want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own, I don’t want to be led. Is that freedom?
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and it translate to "beef with broccoli". The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
I've let chicks think I'm another celebrity just to get laid, just to get any sex. I wish I had a dime for every time in the '90s a chick left New York City thinking she fucked Newman from "Seinfeld".
Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.
Last night, I was in a restaurant called Bulimia's. The line for the bathroom was incredible.
The only black part about Barack Obama is that that nigga don’t know his dad!
All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You’re just inconvenienced.
When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain... "I wasn't invited to this party." But then, once you're in love, that's like being inside that party, going "Where's my jacket? I wanna get outta here. where's my jacket? I been to this party six years and I wanna see other parties! Where's my jacket. Someone shit on the coats. I think someone shit on, about, or around the coats."