Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 62
If you've never met a student from the University of Chicago, I'll describe him to you. If you give him a glass of water, he says, "This is a glass of water. But is it a glass of water? And if it is a glass of water, why is it a glass of water?" And eventually he dies of thirst.
A family is suing Seaworld because they found their 27 year old son, dead and naked, in Shamu's pen. Look if you're 27 and you're still living at home with your mom and dad you need to kill yourself. The lawsuit also contends that the gifts at the gift shop don't show the nature of these vicious animals. Yeah, what part of the words "killer whale" do you not understand. If I told you there were some killer Mexicans living next door you wouldn't want to hang out with them. "But Judge Carlos, I thought Shamu loves everybody." He does...FOR DINNER. Can I get an amen? What do you say, ghost of Johnny Cochran?
People say to me, "Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves." Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps… sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day?
This is why the terrorists hate us. And it’s not the glitter and it’s not the pomp and circumstance. We’ve got black and white, we’ve got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball. And the mirror ball doesn’t care what color you are, and it doesn’t care how rich your parents are, and it doesn’t care what God you pray to. It’s an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.
You can't have an honest fourth grade school teacher. "Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Johnny, your son, your only child, the fruit of your loin, is a moron. I have no idea how this kid finds a door to get out of the house in the morning. If I were you, I would waste him and start over. Now, I say that with all due respect."
When I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought, "When I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars. I want to have groupies." But my idea of success is different today. For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity and not to give into peer pressure, to try to be something that you're not. To live your life as an honest and compassionate person. To contribute in some way.
So when I get a phone call at the airport, I'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. 'Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry. 'Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here.' 'Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!' 'Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let's move.' 'Stand down, down blue team! Don't - hold on, the subject's approaching. He's in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.' And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, 'Thank you for making our airways safe.' And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.
I have a feeling for obscure, historical characters like James Abram Garfield, who was the 20th President of the U. S. He was a pretty hones Congressman and Senator from Ohio. Elected eight times. Tremendous integrity. Only, the most famous thing he's remembered for is having been shot. And they always say the same thing for who shot him: “a disappointed office seeker.” And sure enough, you look at a child's milk-container collection of the Presidents, you'll see: “George Washington, Father of our Country; Thomas Jefferson, purchased Louisiana; Abraham Lincoln, Emancipation Proclamation; James Garfield, shot by a disappointed office seeker.” Look in an encyclopedia under Garfield, James Abram. It says, see Office Seeker, Disappointed. The office seeker got all the fame!
Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.
Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?
I went water skiing and I found out that I scream the exact same if a great white attacks me... or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
You’re going into business with that Puerto Rican? You ought to call yourselves “Julio and Big Foolio.”