Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 62

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.

You can't have an honest fourth grade school teacher. "Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Johnny, your son, your only child, the fruit of your loin, is a moron. I have no idea how this kid finds a door to get out of the house in the morning. If I were you, I would waste him and start over. Now, I say that with all due respect."

It's a cup... with dirt in it. I call it a cup of dirt.

I went water skiing and I found out that I scream the exact same if a great white attacks me... or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Every woman in this room tonight: Think like a second wife. You grab and you take. You grab and you take. And when you die, whatever you got out of him you have buried on you. If the next bitch wants it, make her dig for it.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

I don't think the Tea Party and Glenn Beck are responsible for one man's mental illness. Jared Lee Loughner, Arizona congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords' alleged assassin, was a psychopath. They didn't even know if the congresswoman was dead or not when they started saying that this was the result of volatile political rhetoric. What the fuck are they talking about? Every logical faction has come out and said that this psycho didn't watch the news, he wasn't a political junkie, he was far beyond that. We have to tone down political rhetoric.

Urkel was retarded, let's be honest. No, he was. If there was a kid named Steve Urkel who went to your school - dressed like Steve Urkel, eating cheese all the time, always asking this girl named Laura to marry him - you'd be like, 'Oh yeah, Steve. His brother hit him in the head with a brick when he was five. Very sad situation at the Urkel house.'

I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘"That is cool".’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, "‘That is not cool"’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”

It The Weather Channel is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that... unless you're in a goddamn coma. That means you're saying, "I'd go to the window, but it's too far." If you want to know what the weather is you go to a window and stick your hand out and if you want to know what the temperature is you drive by a bank.

Yeah we’re not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I’ve heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.

I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.

I've been trying to quit smoking weed and it's really hard quitting pot. It was actually easier to become a vegetarian because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of beef.